The Miracle of Life: Know Your Worth, Know When to Walk Away

Life is a miracle.

From the moment we are conceived, I believe God knows us. He knows the plan for our lives. He knows the mountaintops we will stand on and the valleys we will walk through. He knows the choices we will face, the mistakes we may make, the lessons we will learn, and the moments that will change us forever.

Some hardships become teaching moments. Some consequences come from choices—our own choices or the choices of others. And sometimes terrible things happen that we did absolutely nothing to deserve.

Through all of it, we must remember something important:

Our lives have value.

As parents, we should do everything we can to raise our children knowing God, participating in church, understanding their faith, and recognizing their God-given worth. But we must also teach them what love actually looks like.

Love does not humiliate you.

Love does not constantly criticize you.

Love does not make you afraid.

Love does not control your money, isolate you from your family, pressure you sexually, threaten you, stalk you, hit you, or convince you that everything wrong in the relationship is somehow your fault.

Someone who truly loves you should walk beside you. They should encourage you and help you grow. They should recognize the special gift God created in you—not spend their days convincing you that you are worthless.

Marriage Is Sacred, but Abuse Is Not

I believe marriage is intended to be a lifelong commitment. As our children grow older, some will marry and some may choose not to. For those who marry, my prayer is that they choose someone who will walk beside them through this life.

Choose someone who respects you.

Choose someone who can disagree with you without degrading you.

Choose someone who celebrates your strengths rather than exploiting your weaknesses.

And please understand this: commitment to marriage does not require you to remain in danger.

If someone is verbally, emotionally, financially, physically, or sexually abusing you, take it seriously.

You do not have to wait until the abuse becomes worse before deciding it is bad enough.

You do not have to collect another bruise, survive another threat, endure another humiliation, or lose another piece of yourself before you are allowed to seek safety.

I Know Because I Lived It

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this subject is deeply personal to me.

I was a battered woman for a decade.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder why I didn’t leave sooner.

I think part of the answer is that I had been beaten down for so long that I no longer believed I was worthy of something better.

When I returned to my parents’ home, they treated me well. Yet inside, I still felt as though I didn’t belong there. I was a grown woman. I thought I should be able to handle my own life.

Whenever I tried to start again, my first husband would return. The stalking would begin again. The pressure would build. Eventually I would cave and go back.

Then the abuse would begin again.

It became a vicious circle.

That is why I am sharing this now.

If someone reading these words recognizes their own life in mine, I want you to understand what I couldn’t fully understand then:

You are worthy of a life in which you are safe.

Addiction, compulsive gambling, abusive behavior, and other destructive patterns require the person responsible for them to acknowledge the problem and actively pursue meaningful, sustained change. Promises alone are not treatment. Tears are not treatment. Apologies are not treatment. A few peaceful weeks are not proof that the problem has disappeared.

Real change requires accountability, work, professional help when appropriate, and time.

And you are not required to put yourself in danger while waiting to see whether someone else decides to change.

Ten Truths About the Cycle of Violence

1. Abuse rarely begins with the worst incident.

An abusive relationship may begin beautifully. The person may be attentive, affectionate, protective, and intensely interested in you. Controlling behavior can initially be disguised as love: Where are you? Who are you talking to? Why didn’t you answer me? I just worry because I love you.

Pay attention when “love” starts becoming surveillance and control.

2. Abuse is not limited to hitting.

A person does not have to put you in the hospital to be abusive.

Constant insults, humiliation, intimidation, sexual coercion, threats, stalking, isolation, controlling finances, destroying property, monitoring communications, and deliberately making you afraid can all be forms of abuse.

Do not dismiss what is happening simply because there isn’t a bruise.

3. The tension-building stage can make you feel as though you’re walking on eggshells.

You begin monitoring everything.

What mood are they in?

What should I say?

What shouldn’t I say?

Will this make them angry?

Maybe if dinner is perfect, the house is clean, the children are quiet, and I don’t disagree, tonight will be okay.

When you have to constantly manage another adult’s emotions to keep yourself safe, something is terribly wrong.

4. Then comes the incident.

The explosion may involve screaming, threats, humiliation, intimidation, destruction of property, physical violence, sexual violence, or some combination of abusive behaviors.

Afterward, you may find yourself thinking, How did we get here?

Remember: another person’s decision to abuse you is their responsibility.

5. Then may come apologies, affection, promises, or excuses.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ll never do it again.”

“I’m going to change.”

“You know how much I love you.”

“I was stressed.”

“I drank too much.”

“You made me angry.”

The words can sound convincing because you desperately want them to be true.

An apology without sustained behavioral change and accountability is not enough.

6. The peaceful period can make leaving incredibly difficult.

After an abusive incident, things may suddenly become wonderful again. There may be affection, gifts, promises, church attendance, counseling promises, family outings, or talk about a fresh start.

You may see the person you originally fell in love with and think, There you are. I knew you were still in there.

That hope can keep someone trapped.

Do not judge the relationship solely by its best days. Look at the entire pattern.

7. The cycle often begins again.

Eventually, tension may return.

Then control.

Then accusations.

Then fear.

Then another incident.

The details may change, but the pattern remains.

That is why you must evaluate behavior over time rather than promises made immediately after a crisis.

8. Abuse can destroy your sense of reality.

After hearing You’re crazy, you’re too sensitive, nobody else would put up with you, this is your fault, over and over, you may begin believing it.

You may stop trusting your own judgment.

You may even find yourself apologizing for being mistreated.

Please hear this clearly:

Being abused does not mean you caused the abuse.

9. Leaving can be difficult—and sometimes dangerous.

People often ask, “Why doesn’t she just leave?”

I want people to stop asking that question as though leaving were as simple as packing a suitcase.

There may be children involved. Money may be controlled. The victim may have nowhere safe to go. There may be threats involving children, pets, employment, family members, or finances. There may be stalking. There may be tremendous fear about what will happen when the abuser discovers the victim is leaving.

If you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, consider getting help from a domestic-violence professional to develop a safety plan rather than announcing your plans to someone you fear may become violent.

10. You are still worthy of a different life.

This may be the most important truth.

Abuse can convince you that this is all you deserve.

It isn’t.

You may have been called stupid so many times that you started believing it.

You may have been told nobody else would want you.

You may have been isolated from people who once loved and supported you.

You may have lost money, confidence, friendships, opportunities, and years of your life.

But you have not lost your worth.

I believe the God who knew you before you took your first breath knows you now.

Your life still matters.

Your future still matters.

And asking for help is not weakness.

Please Don’t Wait for “Bad Enough”

If you’re reading this while wondering whether your relationship qualifies as abuse, don’t become trapped by that question.

Ask yourself instead:

Am I afraid of this person?

Am I constantly changing my behavior to prevent their anger?

Do they control, threaten, humiliate, intimidate, stalk, hurt, or sexually pressure me?

Do I feel smaller because of the way this person treats me?

If those questions make your heart sink because you recognize yourself, please tell someone you trust and seek professional domestic-violence support.

If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services or get to a safe location if you can do so safely. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can also help people understand their options and develop an individualized safety plan.

I spent ten years inside that vicious circle.

I cannot go back and give those years to the woman I was then.

But I can use my voice today.

And if my story reaches one person who has been convinced that she—or he—is worthless, I want that person to hear this:

You are not worthless.

You are not someone’s property.

You were not created to be another person’s punching bag, prisoner, bank account, possession, or target.

You are a human being created with dignity and purpose.

God gave you life.

Protect it.

And when someone continually tears down the precious life God gave you, please recognize that for what it is.

Love should never require you to live in fear.