October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and one of the most important things we can do is talk to our children before they start dating.
Not after something happens.
Not after their heart has been broken.
Not after they’re already emotionally attached to someone who treats them poorly.
Before.
We spend years teaching our children how to cross the street safely, how to drive, how to handle money, how to behave in school, and how to make good decisions. We need to put that same effort into teaching them how another person should—and should not—treat them.
Because our children need to know something before they ever go on that first date:
You have value.
You do not become valuable because somebody wants to date you.
You do not become beautiful because somebody tells you that you are.
You do not become important because somebody chooses you.
You already have value.
And no boyfriend or girlfriend, at any age, has the right to take that knowledge away from you.
Jealousy Is Not a Compliment
This is one of the first lessons I would teach.
Someone being jealous may initially feel flattering.
“He really likes me.”
“She doesn’t want anybody else to have me.”
“He only asks where I am because he cares.”
No.
There is a difference between someone caring about you and someone believing they have a right to control you.
Pay attention when jealousy starts turning into questions and demands:
Who are you texting?
Why were you talking to him?
Why did she like your picture?
Where are you?
Who are you with?
Send me a picture so I know you’re really there.
Give me your password.
Turn on your location.
Don’t talk to that person anymore.
That isn’t romantic.
That’s a warning sign.
The material I reviewed for this series specifically identifies seemingly minor jealousy as something that can look innocent in the beginning but become increasingly harmful when it develops into possessiveness or obsession. Pasted text
Teach your children early:
You are a person to be loved, not a possession to be controlled.
Watch How Your Date Treats Other People
When someone wants you to like them, they’re probably going to show you their best side.
So don’t only watch how they treat you.
Watch how they treat everyone else.
How do they speak to their parents?
How do they treat a younger brother or sister?
How do they treat a server at a restaurant?
How do they react when someone disagrees with them?
How do they talk about former boyfriends or girlfriends?
What happens when somebody tells them no?
Early warning signs may appear in someone’s treatment of other people before they’re ever directed toward the person they’re dating. Pasted text
Character is not simply how someone treats the person they’re trying to impress.
Character is how they treat people when there’s nothing to gain from being nice.
Pay Attention to Someone Who Blames Everybody
If every problem in someone’s life is somebody else’s fault, pay attention.
Their teacher hates them.
Their coach is unfair.
Their parents are horrible.
Their friends betrayed them.
Every former boyfriend or girlfriend was “crazy.”
Nothing is ever their responsibility.
Young people need to learn that one of the signs of maturity is being able to say:
“I was wrong.”
Someone who cannot take responsibility for their own behavior may eventually decide that everything wrong in your relationship is your fault, too.
Don’t Mistake Arrogance for Confidence
Confidence can be attractive.
But confidence and superiority are not the same thing.
Pay attention to someone who constantly has to prove they’re better than everybody else.
Someone who calls other people stupid.
Someone who enjoys embarrassing people.
Someone who makes fun of people who are different.
Someone who needs another person to feel small so they can feel important.
Eventually, that person may begin talking to you that way.
And I want our young people to understand this:
Nobody gets to talk down to you.
Not someone you’re dating.
Not someone you’re attracted to.
Not the most popular person in school.
Not someone you desperately want to like you.
You don’t have to earn basic human respect.
“I’m Just Joking” Doesn’t Excuse Cruelty
Teasing happens between friends and people who are dating.
But there’s a difference between laughing with somebody and laughing at somebody.
If the joke is always at your expense, pay attention.
If somebody embarrasses you in front of friends and then says, “You’re too sensitive,” pay attention.
If they make fun of your body, intelligence, family, religion, clothes, interests, or insecurities, that isn’t something you should learn to tolerate because you want the relationship to work.
And if you say, “That hurts me,” a person who cares about you should care that it hurts.
No one should repeatedly disrespect you and then make you feel guilty for objecting to the disrespect.
Don’t Let Anyone Rush You
Dating is not a race.
You don’t owe somebody a serious relationship because they really like you.
You don’t owe somebody physical affection.
You don’t owe somebody sex.
You don’t owe somebody every free minute you have.
You don’t have to say “I love you” because they said it first.
And you don’t have to move faster because somebody tells you:
“If you really loved me, you would.”
The source material makes an important point about people who rush relationships: “too fast” means whatever makes you uncomfortable. Someone who respects you should also respect your comfort level and boundaries. Pasted text
Teach children that “I’m not ready” is enough.
So is “No.”
Your Phone Is Yours
This deserves its own conversation with today’s young people.
Dating someone does not automatically entitle that person to your passwords, messages, social-media accounts, photos, or constant location.
You shouldn’t have to provide photographic evidence of where you are.
You shouldn’t have to answer immediately because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t.
You shouldn’t have to remove friends because your boyfriend or girlfriend demands it.
Technology can make controlling behavior look normal because constant access to another person is possible.
Possible doesn’t mean healthy.
Don’t Give Up Your Friends to Keep a Boyfriend or Girlfriend
One of the biggest things I would tell a young person is:
Keep your life.
Keep your friends.
Keep your activities.
Keep your sports.
Keep your interests.
Keep spending time with your family.
Keep pursuing your goals.
A healthy relationship should become part of your life, not consume your entire life.
Someone who truly cares about you should want you to grow.
Teach Them What “No” Means
We need to teach this to both boys and girls.
When someone says no, you stop.
When someone says I’m uncomfortable, you stop.
When someone says I’m not ready, you stop.
When someone pulls away, you don’t pressure them.
When somebody sets a boundary, you don’t punish them for it.
And if you’re the person setting that boundary, remember:
You do not need to apologize for protecting yourself.
Before That First Date, Tell Them This
If I could sit down with every young person before their first date, I would tell them:
You are valuable before anybody chooses you.
You don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to prove that you’re lovable.
Someone liking you doesn’t mean you owe them anything.
Someone buying you something doesn’t mean you owe them anything.
Someone saying “I love you” does not give them ownership of you.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to disagree.
You are allowed to have friends.
You are allowed to have boundaries.
You are allowed to walk away.
And if somebody calls you names, humiliates you, threatens you, controls you, frightens you, pressures you sexually, constantly accuses you of cheating, demands access to your phone, separates you from people you love, or makes you feel worthless:
That is not the price you pay to be loved.
Walk away.
Tell a parent, teacher, counselor, coach, pastor, or another trusted adult what’s happening.
Never keep abuse secret because someone told you nobody would understand.
Parents, Have the Conversation Before You Think You Need To
Don’t make the entire dating conversation about sex, pregnancy, curfews, and rules.
Talk about respect.
Ask your children how they expect someone they’re dating to treat them.
Talk about jealousy.
Talk about controlling behavior.
Talk about digital boundaries.
Talk about consent.
Talk about what healthy disagreement looks like.
And make sure they know they can come home and tell you something terrible without their first fear being:
“Mom and Dad are going to kill me.”
We want our children to know that when something goes wrong, home is where they can tell the truth.
Most importantly, teach them to recognize their own worth long before somebody else gets an opportunity to define it for them.
Because no matter whether you’re 13, 16, 18, 25, or 75:
Nobody who claims to care about you has the right to strip you of your dignity.
Teach them before they date.
Teach them what respect looks like.
Teach them what control looks like.
Teach them the difference.
And above all:
Teach them that they are valuable enough to walk away from anyone who makes them believe they aren’t.
Leave a comment