During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we spend a great deal of time talking about protecting women and recognizing the warning signs of abuse. Those conversations are necessary.
But there is another conversation we need to have, and it needs to start at home.
Parents, we need to teach our boys and young men how to treat other human beings with dignity and respect.
We cannot wait until they’re grown.
We cannot wait until they have their first serious girlfriend or boyfriend.
We cannot assume they’ll simply figure it out.
Respect is taught. Boundaries are taught. Self-control is taught. And our children are watching how the adults around them treat one another long before they ever begin dating.
Teach Him: You Never Put Your Hands on Someone in Anger
This lesson needs to be unmistakably clear.
You do not hit a girl.
You do not hit your sister.
You do not hit your mother.
You do not hit your girlfriend.
You do not shove someone because you’re angry.
You don’t grab someone’s arm to keep them from walking away.
You don’t block a doorway because you aren’t finished arguing.
You don’t punch a wall beside someone to frighten them.
And the larger lesson is this:
You don’t use violence or intimidation against anyone because you aren’t getting your way.
Being angry doesn’t give you permission to hurt another person.
Being embarrassed doesn’t give you permission.
Being jealous doesn’t give you permission.
Being heartbroken doesn’t give you permission.
Nothing gives you permission.
“No” Means No
Parents, teach this long before your children become sexually active.
No means no.
It doesn’t mean try harder.
It doesn’t mean convince me.
It doesn’t mean make me feel guilty.
It doesn’t mean I spent money on you, so now you owe me.
It means no.
If you take someone to dinner, they don’t owe you anything.
If you buy the prom tickets, they don’t owe you anything.
If you buy flowers, they don’t owe you anything.
If you pay for the movie, they don’t owe you anything.
If you drive, they don’t owe you anything.
And if you’ve been dating for six months, they still don’t owe you access to their body.
A date is not a transaction.
Teach your sons that generosity isn’t generosity when there’s an unspoken bill attached to it.
Teach Boys How to Hear Rejection
This may be one of the most important lessons we can give a young person.
Sometimes the person you like isn’t going to like you back.
Sometimes somebody will break up with you.
Sometimes someone will choose somebody else.
Sometimes your feelings are going to get hurt.
That’s life.
You are allowed to be disappointed.
You are allowed to cry.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to talk to somebody you trust.
What you are not allowed to do is punish another person for saying no.
You don’t threaten them.
You don’t call them names.
You don’t spread rumors about them.
You don’t post private pictures.
You don’t stalk them online.
You don’t repeatedly show up where they are.
You don’t demand another chance.
And you certainly don’t hurt them.
Learning how to accept rejection with dignity is part of becoming an emotionally mature adult.
Watch the Way Your Son Talks About Girls
Pay attention to the language used around your dinner table, in the car, and when his friends come over.
If your son refers to girls with degrading names, don’t laugh it off because “boys will be boys.”
Correct it.
If his friends are passing around humiliating pictures of a girl, don’t excuse it.
If he thinks having multiple girlfriends makes a boy impressive while a girl who dates is somehow deserving of humiliation, challenge that thinking.
If he tells you a girl “deserved” something because of what she wore, where she went, how much she drank, or who she dated, have that conversation immediately.
What someone wears does not eliminate their right to boundaries.
Teach Him That Jealousy Doesn’t Equal Ownership
Your girlfriend talks to another boy.
Your boyfriend has other friends.
Someone doesn’t answer your text immediately.
You don’t like somebody they follow online.
Those feelings may be uncomfortable, but they don’t give you ownership over another person.
You don’t get to demand passwords.
You don’t get to inspect somebody’s phone.
You don’t decide who another person is allowed to speak to.
You don’t track someone without their consent.
You don’t tell somebody what they’re allowed to wear.
Dating someone does not mean owning them.
Teach Respect for Everyone
While we’re teaching our sons how to treat women, let’s teach the bigger lesson too.
Treat people with respect.
Whether your child eventually dates a young woman or a young man, the basic expectations should remain the same.
Don’t humiliate your partner.
Don’t manipulate them.
Don’t control them.
Don’t threaten them.
Don’t pressure them sexually.
Don’t use money or gifts to control them.
Don’t deliberately make them jealous.
Don’t call them degrading names.
Don’t make them afraid of you.
Healthy relationships require respect from both people.
Your Children Are Watching Your Relationship
This part may be uncomfortable for some parents.
Children learn from what they see.
If a boy grows up watching his father abuse his mother, he may begin to believe that’s what relationships look like.
If a girl grows up watching her mother abuse her father, she may also develop a distorted understanding of what is normal.
But what children witness does not have to determine who they become.
Talk about it.
If your child witnessed abuse, tell them:
“What you saw was not normal. It was not healthy. It was not love. You do not have to repeat it.”
Family patterns can end.
A son does not have to become his abusive father.
A daughter does not have to become her abusive mother.
And neither has to accept an abusive partner because abuse was what they grew up seeing.
Someone has to break the cycle.
Teach your children that they can be that person.
Fathers, Your Sons Are Watching You
How do you speak to their mother?
How do you speak about women when you think your children aren’t paying attention?
How do you react when you’re angry?
Can you apologize?
Can you admit when you’re wrong?
Can you disagree without screaming?
Can you hear the word no without becoming threatening?
Your son is learning from you.
One of the greatest things a father can teach his son is that strength doesn’t require domination.
A strong man doesn’t need someone else to be afraid of him.
Mothers, Don’t Excuse Disrespect Because “He’s a Boy”
Mothers have an important role in this conversation too.
Don’t excuse cruelty because he’s your son.
Don’t clean up every consequence.
Don’t blame the girl automatically.
Don’t teach him that women are responsible for managing his anger or protecting his feelings.
Love your son enough to correct him.
If he speaks disrespectfully to you, address it.
If he speaks disrespectfully to his sister, address it.
If he speaks disrespectfully about his girlfriend, address it.
Because one day he will be an adult, and the world will not excuse behavior that should have been corrected when he was young.
Teach Your Daughters the Same Standards
This conversation isn’t an accusation against boys.
Girls need to learn that they cannot hit, control, humiliate, manipulate, stalk, threaten, or sexually pressure another person either.
Abuse is wrong regardless of who commits it.
Our daughters should learn to demand respect—and to give it.
Our sons should learn to demand respect—and to give it.
Raise Children Who Know What Love Is
Parents, don’t only prepare your children to recognize an abusive person.
Prepare them not to become one.
Teach them empathy.
Teach them boundaries.
Teach them accountability.
Teach them how to apologize.
Teach them how to disagree.
Teach them how to control their anger.
Teach them how to accept rejection.
Teach them that another person’s body belongs to that person.
Teach them that gifts don’t purchase affection.
Teach them that dating doesn’t create ownership.
Teach them that strength and kindness can exist in the same person.
And most importantly, show them.
Because someday your child may love somebody deeply.
When that day comes, I hope the lessons they learned at home are so deeply planted that respect comes naturally.
I hope our sons grow into men who make the people around them feel safe.
I hope our daughters grow into women who understand that they deserve that safety—and who provide it to others as well.
And if our children grew up witnessing abuse, I hope we give them one more lesson to carry into adulthood:
What happened in your home does not have to happen in the home you create.
You can learn differently.
You can choose differently.
You can break the cycle.
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