October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and throughout this series I have talked about recognizing abuse, dating violence, teaching our children their worth, and teaching our sons and daughters how to respect other people.
Now I want to talk about all of us.
Because domestic violence is not simply a private matter between two people.
It affects families. It affects children. It follows people into workplaces. It enters our schools, churches, hospitals, police departments, and courtrooms.
And it is time for all of us to become part of the solution.
The Numbers Are Staggering
Sometimes we hear statistics so often that we stop hearing the human beings behind them.
Domestic-violence advocacy statistics have reported that nearly 20 people every minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. That amounts to more than 10 million people in a year—an average of approximately one person every three seconds.
The CDC has also reported an often-cited estimate that 24 people per minute experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. That broader statistic represented more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year.
There is also the widely repeated statement that a woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds in the United States. That number comes from older advocacy materials, so I believe it is important to identify it as a widely quoted historical statistic rather than present it as a current CDC measurement.
But whether we’re talking about three seconds, nine seconds, 20 people every minute, or millions of people every year, we are talking about human beings—not numbers.
Someone’s mother.
Someone’s daughter.
Someone’s sister.
Someone’s friend.
Someone’s coworker.
Someone sitting next to you in church.
Someone smiling in a family photograph while nobody knows what happens after the front door closes.
Sexual Violence by an Intimate Partner Is Still Sexual Violence
This needs to be said plainly:
Dating someone is not consent.
Living with someone is not consent.
Marriage is not consent.
The CDC reports that approximately 1 in 5 U.S. women have experienced contact sexual violence by an intimate partner during their lifetime. That category is broader than rape alone—it also includes sexual coercion and unwanted sexual contact—but the statistic demonstrates how widespread intimate-partner sexual violence is.
No person acquires permanent access to another person’s body because they’re dating, living together, or married.
A relationship doesn’t eliminate the word no.
If someone says no, stop.
If someone is incapable of consenting, that isn’t permission.
If someone uses threats, violence, intimidation, or coercion to obtain sex, being in a relationship does not magically make the behavior acceptable.
Rape is rape.
Domestic Violence Follows Victims to Work
When we talk about domestic violence, we also need to understand the economic consequences.
An older CDC analysis estimated that intimate-partner violence resulted in the equivalent of approximately 8 million paid workdays lost in a single year, equivalent to more than 32,000 full-time jobs, along with millions of additional days of lost household productivity.
Think about what that means in real life.
A woman misses work because she’s injured.
She misses work because she has to go to court.
She misses work because she’s trying to obtain a protective order.
She misses work because she has to relocate herself and her children.
She misses work because she spent the night in an emergency room.
She misses work because her abuser kept her awake all night.
She misses work because she’s terrified he’ll show up at her workplace.
And sometimes she loses the very job she needs to become financially independent.
Before an employer asks, “Why does she keep missing work?”
Maybe somebody should ask:
“Is she safe?”
Stop Asking, “Why Did She Stay?”
I will continue saying this because I believe people need to hear it.
Stop judging women who stay in abusive relationships.
Unless you’ve lived inside that house, you don’t know what she is dealing with.
You don’t know whether she has been threatened.
You don’t know whether her children have been threatened.
You don’t know whether she has access to money.
You don’t know whether she has somewhere safe to sleep.
You don’t know whether her abuser has isolated her from her family.
You don’t know whether he’s monitoring her phone.
You don’t know whether she’s terrified that leaving will make the violence worse.
You don’t know whether she has already tried to leave.
You don’t know whether he followed her.
You don’t know whether he begged, cried, promised to change, threatened her, or stalked her until she returned.
So instead of asking:
“Why does she stay?”
Ask:
“Why is he abusing her?”
And then ask the question that matters:
“How can we safely help her?”
Churches, I Am Asking You to Get Involved
Our churches should be among the safest places a person can turn when she is frightened.
If a woman comes to her church and says she is being beaten, threatened, stalked, sexually assaulted, or terrorized inside her own home, believe her and help her find qualified support.
Don’t immediately ask what she did.
Don’t tell her she needs to become a better wife.
Don’t tell her to pray harder while sending her straight back into danger.
Don’t make preserving the appearance of a marriage more important than preserving a human life.
Pray with her, absolutely.
But then help her.
Help connect her with a domestic-violence organization.
Help her find professional advocates.
Help her locate emergency shelter.
Help her obtain legal assistance.
Help with transportation or childcare when appropriate.
Help her create a safety plan with people trained to understand domestic violence.
And most importantly, don’t shame her.
Faith should never become another weapon used to convince someone that God expects her to endure violence.
Schools, We Need You
Schools have an opportunity to teach something that could change the course of a young person’s life:
What does a healthy relationship actually look like?
Teach students about consent.
Teach them about boundaries.
Teach them that jealousy is not ownership.
Teach them that demanding passwords isn’t romance.
Teach them that tracking somebody isn’t love.
Teach them that humiliation isn’t affection.
Teach them that a date does not create a sexual obligation.
Teach them that anger does not justify violence.
Teach them how to accept rejection.
Teach them how to recognize abuse.
And teach them where to go when they need help.
Domestic-violence prevention shouldn’t begin after somebody gets hurt.
It should begin before the first unhealthy relationship ever starts.
Employers, Pay Attention Too
If an employee who has always been dependable suddenly begins missing work, arriving frightened, receiving nonstop calls, covering unexplained injuries, or appearing terrified when someone arrives at the workplace, don’t automatically assume irresponsibility.
Something else may be happening.
Employers don’t need to become investigators. But workplaces can have policies, trained human-resources staff, security procedures, employee-assistance resources, and connections to domestic-violence services.
Sometimes having one person quietly say, “If something is happening and you need help, there are resources available,” can open a door.
Our Courts and Government Have a Responsibility Too
Violence should be taken seriously regardless of the relationship between the people involved.
The exact criminal charges and penalties for domestic violence vary according to jurisdiction and circumstances, so we shouldn’t pretend every case is legally identical.
But morally, this principle should not be difficult:
Being in a relationship should never make violence less serious.
If a stranger punches a woman, we recognize violence.
If her boyfriend punches her, it’s still violence.
If someone threatens a stranger, it’s a threat.
If a spouse makes that threat, the fear is no less real.
A relationship doesn’t make bruises hurt less.
Marriage doesn’t make strangulation less dangerous.
Love doesn’t transform violence into a “family problem.”
When evidence establishes that a crime occurred, our justice system has a responsibility to enforce the law fairly, protect victims through the legal protections available, hold offenders accountable when guilt is established, and take repeat and escalating violence seriously.
Domestic violence is not simply a bad relationship. Violence can be a crime.
Protective Orders Matter—but They Are Not Physical Shields
We also need to be realistic about what happens when someone finally decides to leave.
A restraining or protective order can be an important legal tool.
But a piece of paper cannot physically stop someone determined to violate it.
That’s why leaving an abusive relationship can require careful safety planning.
A victim may need help with housing, finances, transportation, important documents, children’s needs, workplace safety, technology and location privacy, legal assistance, and changing locks or security arrangements where legally appropriate.
This is exactly why telling someone “Just leave” isn’t enough.
Help her create a safe path out.
Don’t Just Tell Her to Leave—Stand Beside Her
Imagine what could happen if communities truly did this together.
A church says, “We’ll help.”
A school says, “We’ll educate.”
An employer says, “We’ll support you.”
A shelter says, “You have somewhere safe to go.”
A friend says, “I believe you.”
A family says, “Come home.”
An advocate says, “We’ll help you make a safety plan.”
Law enforcement and the courts say, “We will take violence seriously and enforce the law.”
And instead of society pointing at the victim and asking why she didn’t leave sooner, we surround her with enough support that leaving becomes possible.
These Numbers Have Faces
When you hear 20 people per minute, don’t just hear a statistic.
See the woman putting makeup over a bruise before going to work.
See the mother trying to keep her children quiet because she’s afraid they’ll make him angry.
See the teenager whose boyfriend demands her password and calls it love.
See the woman sitting in church praying that nobody notices something is wrong.
See the employee desperately trying to keep her job while her life is falling apart.
See the woman who has packed a bag three times and hasn’t yet found the courage—or the safe opportunity—to carry it through the door.
And when she finally does reach out:
Don’t judge her.
Don’t lecture her.
Don’t ask why she waited.
Believe her.
Listen to her.
Help connect her with trained professionals.
Help her get somewhere safe.
Stand beside her.
Because domestic violence is not simply her problem.
It belongs to all of us.
And until our families, churches, schools, workplaces, communities, law enforcement, courts, and government institutions are willing to stand together against it, too many victims will continue believing they have nowhere to turn.
Let the message be unmistakable:
Abuse is abuse.
Assault is assault.
Rape is rape.
And love should never hurt.
Leave a Reply