When Your Body Seems To Be Letting You Down

Every time I’m planning a trip away from home  for a day, weekend a week or even just  a long day of errands, it kinda scares me, especially when I’m traveling alone, because, to put it simply, I just don’t trust my body some days I like to have fun and yet because my body doesn’t always have the same ideas I do I feel like I am disappointing others, holding them back, you know a stick in the mud.

 Somedays It’s really hit or miss if my body will cooperate or be a big fail. I try plan the best I can,but hey we all knows things can often go very wrong.   

I don’t always know  that my bones  will be in sync with the rest of me,especially my back ,will it hold out and I’ll be able to walk all the places I need to be.  Or just be a disappointment.

 When I do leave the house I take supplies, snacks, extra medication, phone charger or anything else I need in case I get stuck. 

I hope someday, when I’m more used dealing with knee pain due to Osteonecrosis and Osteoarthritis and back pain from Spondylolithesis , this will get easier because for now, I still often live in denial and act like I’m fine, I hate to see myself as anything but independent. 

My pain has eased up from 2014, but did ya ever just get tired or being tired? Whether my pain is a 8,6,4, or 1 it’s still pain. Pain is tiresome.
Now I get a flipping hernia and then I get a iffy ekg and require a stress test before I can get clearance to get hernia fixed. After dealing with all this bullshit and even more pain , no just in the gut. I finally get the ok. 
Yesterday I finally had my umbilical hernia repair surgery so now on top of knee pain, back pain add gut pain. I literally feel like a gutted fish. 
I Felt ok when I first got home yesterday , I guess I’m glad they didn’t admit me or am I …

Ya know sometimes I feel like they release you home to soon, this crossed my mind at 10pm and 3am when I had to pee and about went into a panic when I could not figure out how to get out the recliner. I am not one to ask for help much, but I woke my husband up to help me. He knew I had to be in pain to wake him. And it was more of being in a stuck position than pain. I mean you can’t have surgery and expect zero pain. 

Each time,he looked at me like a deer that sees headlights.
He looked afraid to hurt me. As if I wasn’t already in a panic. 

I’m thinking to myself just please please don’t be afraid and help me up out of this flipping chair. It’s going to hurt either way so let’s just do it. 

He’s a really good man and I know he means well. But honestly I never seen a guy look more confused.
But he did it,so I stayed up about an hour or two just walking, pacing you have to keep moving to avoid blood clots and I have Factor V Leiden so I really kept moving. 

Strangely I feel better walking and standing than sitting 

Now I can sit at my computer or even lay on the Love seat this is going to suck 

As long as I was keeping busy I was ok. I have a support group I run , I practice mindfulness. I read. Now and then take a class or two that’s not to long ,I like to be constantly on the go. I guess I’ve learned how to manage my pain and the anxiety that comes with all these bone problems.

A short trip is OK, like going for a coffee or shopping or something,but an entire day out isn’t good for me , not that I don’t want to be out all day, but I truly can’t and it sucks. I get physically and emotionally exhausted. 
Today I am frustrated because I can do shit but pace, lay and sleep. 
My body has let me down…. or did I let my body down. 

Picture before hernia surgery 

4 thoughts on “When Your Body Seems To Be Letting You Down

  1. This is so true for me too. It’s scary not knowing how our bodies are going to be from one minute to the next. We keep fighting, moving, trusting and hoping ❤

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